the future freaks me out

I hate admitting this, but I'm scared to graduate.

There is certain comfort to being in school. The future is always just that, the future, which you don't really have to worry about right then and there. You are preparing for that future.. but what happens when it's time to wake up and make it happen? When the future becomes the present?

I was faced with this in college, and quite honestly, I am having a cross between deja vu and a panic attack right now. See, I danced my whole life and decided that I needed it as a career, I needed it to survive, and went to college for it. This is obviously not necessary in order to become a professional dancer, but I wanted to learn and to gain experience in more styles than simply ballet and some jazz. I was lucky to find such an amazing school with such an above-par jazz dance major, as many schools don't provide this.

I danced my way through college and performed a bit here and there while in school. Then I graduated. And I worked as a hostess at a restaurant.

I should mention that I do not have the ideal "dancer" body. I am tall, and have an athletic build with a few places that just will NOT lose weight, regardless if I am working out or dancing 8 hours a day. I have thick, muscular legs, not those long, lean, beautiful ballet dancer legs. My ultimate goal in life? To be a Rockette. I have auditioned numerous times and still tell myself that I can audition again this year, or next year. I performed once in AC for Donald Trump's birthday (legitimate dancing, easy and fun way to make some money), and would have been signed on to Disney Cruise Lines if it weren't for the fact that I was still in school when I auditioned, and graduating came first in my mind.

I planned on moving to LA or back to NY to keep taking dance classes and work my way up into a professional gig. But I stayed in Philly for a few months after graduation, and then I met my now FI, who was living outside of Baltimore at the time. Traveling between Philly and B'more was enough of a distance, so moving up to NY was out of the question for me. I had that feeling that I knew he and I would work, that I would end up marrying this amazing man, and I thank God everyday that I was (will be) right. But the truth still remains that I moved for love. I chose love and a personal life over dance, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder "what if".

Since moving to DC, I have been busy with getting acclimated with the area and going to school for massage therapy, so I haven't been dancing.. at all really. And my soul aches without it.. I don't know why I don't just get off of my butt and go to a class. It is completely true that DC simply doesn't have the style and caliber of jazz that I am looking for, but I still make up reasons like "there's no time", "I have no money", "I want to be able to consistently but can't with school". All legitimate reasons, but shouldn't it matter more to me? Why don't I go, when I will never be 100% happy and satisfied without dance in my life in some form? And so the future, now present, ties in: I graduate next Saturday.

I will be able to start dancing again, and I am fearful of it because I know my mind will be leaps and bounds ahead of where my body will be, in terms of technique. I took two classes a few months ago and my body was screaming at me for days afterwards. I am no longer a young spring chicken, that's for sure.

Here is my main concern: That I will graduate from massage therapy school, and the same thing will happen as did after graduating from UArts with my BFA in Jazz Performance - I'll sit. And be so comfortable with the way things are, I won't do anything. I know change can be and is a good thing, but it scares the shit out of me. And I really don't want to fail myself again. I gave up on dance for whatever reason, and massage has become sort of a "new" dream career for me, a replacement for what I didn't achieve. And I want to kick ass in this. And I don't want to be too scared to do so.

So the future is the present and I really need to grow a pair and stop wishing I was in high school again and didn't have to deal with life. They never tell you about the hard decisions and missed opportunities and compromise that you will inevitably deal with.

So that's that. I wouldn't say I have any regrets, just curiosities. And I am really working on my determination to make a wonderful career in massage therapy for myself, and my future family.