May angels lead you in

When it rains, it certainly pours. Life has been hectic and extremely stressy as of late, and was made even more so last week. My grammy passed away on Thursday; she suffered a major stroke Wednesday evening, was on life support for a few hours, and then disconnected Thursday morning, as she was brain dead.

She's gone. And I really can't keep the tears back even as I write this. My grampy hasn't been doing too well recently either, and aside from mourning the loss of her, I'm so terribly worried about him.

I was much closer to her and my grampy than I was with my grandparent's on my dad's side. My mom and I would go visit them in Naples, Florida every year for two weeks at a time, sometimes more. They came to my Sweet 16, to my high school and college graduation.. they helped me with my college loans, spoiled me rotten when I came to visit, and loved me more that anything. They were/are nuts - it's part of what makes everyone (literally, everyone) love them - but it became clear that they were inevitably getting older and this time would come soon.

It came far too soon for her. My grammy was such a wonderful woman - someone who I became much closer with as I got older - and I'm still in denial that she's not around anymore. All I want to do is call her and talk to her and know that she's still here. But she's not, and I don't know what to do or how to feel.

I feel guilty that I haven't gone down to see them in almost two and a half years - I've never been gone that long. I'm upset that Scot never got to see her 'at her best' - while he did meet her, she was very sick and in the hospital with pneumonia at the time.  I hate that I will never be able to show her pictures and video from our future wedding. It kills me that she'll never meet my cousin's first child.. who would have been her great-grandchild. The list goes on.

What I hate most is that we won't be able to make more memories together. Going to Florida to visit my grammy and grampy with my mom, or even by myself on occasion, are some of the fondest memories I have. Us young'ins would stay out in the sun and water all day, come in for a snack and some quality time with the grandparents, head back out, then come back to get ready and gussied up for a fancy dinner. That was one of the best parts - we didn't just eat dinner, we dined. We sat and ate and talked and drank for 3, 4 hours most nights. They knew every restaurant and every waiter and manager.. as I mentioned, people just love(d) them. Why wouldn't they? They were/are two of the sweetest, funniest, craziest, most genuine people out there.

Life has certainly been keeping me busy from dwelling too much, but when I get moments like this one, the pain and the tears come. We will be having a Memorial Service for her within the next few weeks, probably over my birthday weekend, but I still don't know for sure. Everything is so up in the air; it's hard to plan these things when family is spread between Florida, DC, New York and Michigan.

Right now, I'm just hoping my grampy is doing okay. I'm not only hurting for myself, but for him, my mom, my uncle, my cousins. Death is hard. Amazingly, astoundingly hard.

Love you, grammy, always and forever.

And if you were with me tonight, I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big, God wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in, hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in.